Endings

Endings are hard, life-changing, and sometimes life-ending.  
I think it's safe to say I'll never be the same person I was before 2017.  

Dreams were shattered, love was broken, and hope was lost. That fear of monsters being real as a child came to life, except that those monsters never came from under the bed or out of the closet, they disguised themselves in human form.  

They became the reason I never slept, they got in my head and made me question my self-worth. They made me believe I would never be anything and I'd never be happy again. They made me question my own life every day until I started becoming one of them myself.  

My whole life I lived by a set of standards and morals so that I would never cross over to the dark side. I had boundaries and lines that I would never cross to keep me safe from being the next Anakin Skywalker and now I understand exactly why he became Darth Vader because when people you love, fuck you up and show you a side of themselves and life that you never thought was real, it creates a catastrophic chain of events inside your belief system and in the foundation you've built your life upon.  

Love turned into pain, the pain turned into hate and hate turned into feeling nothing.  
What I've learned, is that Hate is not the greatest negative emotion, feeling nothing is. If you hate something it's for a reason, a purpose, but to feel nothing and do things that hurt people for no reason, for no purpose, you can really fuck the world up, and far too many of us feel nothing anymore.  

For a long time, I balanced myself on all the lines that I swore I would never cross, and then one by one I didn't care anymore, and after every line I crossed, that structure and foundation of who I once was started caving in.  

Wall after wall, floor after floor, until it buried me underneath it and it wasn't until the basement collapsed that I realized there is no rock bottom, there's no bottom at all to the holes we dig for ourselves, it's never-ending and you can just keep going until the consequences of your actions and choices catch up to you and either kill you or mentally impair you.

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Last updated 1 year ago

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Endings are hard, life-changing, and sometimes life-ending. I think it's safe to say I'll never be the same person I was before 2017. Dreams were shattered, love was broken, and hope was lost. That fear of monsters being real as a child came to life, except that those monsters never came from under the bed or out of the closet, they disguised themselves in human form. They became the reason I never slept, they got in my head and made me question my self-worth. They made me believe I would never be anything and I'd never be happy again. They made me question my own life every day until I started becoming one of them myself. My whole life I lived by a set of standards and morals so that I would never cross over to the dark side. I had boundaries and lines that I would never cross to keep me safe from being the next Anakin Skywalker and now I understand exactly why he became Darth Vader because when people you love, fuck you up and show you a side of themselves and life that you never thought was real, it creates a catastrophic chain of events inside your belief system and in the foundation you've built your life upon. Love turned into pain, the pain turned into hate and hate turned into feeling nothing. What I've learned, is that Hate is not the greatest negative emotion, feeling nothing is. If you hate something it's for a reason, a purpose, but to feel nothing and do things that hurt people for no reason, for no purpose, you can really fuck the world up, and far too many of us feel nothing anymore. For a long time, I balanced myself on all the lines that I swore I would never cross, and then one by one I didn't care anymore, and after every line I crossed, that structure and foundation of who I once was started caving in. Wall after wall, floor after floor, until it buried me underneath it and it wasn't until the basement collapsed that I realized there is no rock bottom, there's no bottom at all to the holes we dig for ourselves, it's never-ending and you can just keep going until the consequences of your actions and choices catch up to you and either kill you or mentally impair you.